January 16, 2015

First Impressions Are Just That.


I find it alarming when people remark that they don't think so and so who is on their case is their type. I look at them alarmed because I used to think precisely the same way, until I met my type.

He checked out on everything on my list.

Love. Religion. Looks. Job. Interests. Tribe.

But it turned out that my Mr Right wasn't right for me!

Like the old me, proponents of this mind-set without fail always have a ready list of what their type looks like.

1. Mutual Attraction

Love or chemistry usually comes up on the list unsurprisingly but love spells c-o-m-p-a-t-i-b-i-l-i-t-y; that thing that means both of you are very comfortable and behave the closest thing to yourselves without feeling like you are stretching outside of your individual comfort zones.

One of the ways you know you are compatible with someone is if it isn't hard for you to please them. If when you do your hardest they aren't impressed, and it takes more and more out of you to make them happy, there isn't much of a fit between both of you and that's not something you want to manage.

2. We have to share the same religion

Beyond having the same faith is having a common application of faith; one person might interpret the other person's level of faith by church activities, how many tongues one speaks and what department in church one belongs to but the fruits of faith like respect towards all class of people, a tempered appetite for wealth, or a kind acceptance of people for instance, may be absent.

3. He has to have a good Job

Earning an income is important but beyond that is how the income is earned and spent.  Does the person incur debt and you find this uncomfortable? Is their car, home or furniture on credit? Are they accountable with money? Generous? Are they in any commitment where certain amounts of their income are unavailable to them e.g dependents, loan repayments e.t.c. Is this person splashing money around town without a kobo in his bank account? As they say, it is not what you earn but what you save.

4. He has to be good looking

I used to say and I stand to be corrected but for a woman, looks begin to pale where there is chemistry, humour and understanding and all those things she needs from her man. When these things are absent even good looks aren't enough to console a woman who lacks her man's attention and affection.

5. He has to be of a certain tribe.

Whenever this sentiment comes up I always say better to say I love you to each other in the language you both do not understand than I hate you in a language you both understand.

6. He has to come from a good family

This is very important but we need to be careful with our definition of a good family because families are not perfect, neither are ours so we need to keep a level and realistic perspective. Family cultures and personalities are different making it is easy to find irritable behaviours or traits in even in the most ideal families so the assessment of a partner based on family background should be fair and in keeping with the golden rule to do unto others what you want them to do to you.

Now, I find it amusing when people remark at how unawares they were taken in love with someone least like their "type". I look at them bemused because I think precisely the same way now having met my significant other.

I didn't have much of an impression when I first met him. I hardly noticed him among the group of people who he attended my talk show with. When I eventually did notice him, I called him Haruna to the guffaw of his friends who found it a funny name to christen him. While I can't remember what I thought of him at first impression, I certainly didn't think he would mean more to me at the time.

First impressions are just that! 

There will be second, third and one hundred impressions after.

So why play judge and pass judgement without the possibility of bail, when the jury of future impressions haven't sent their verdict in?

When all the facts you need to make a decision are in, then you can decide if someone is your type but not before and certainly not on first impression!

image source: http://memegenerator.net/instance/51429120

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